1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
