her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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