I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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