dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
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