Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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