: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
