i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
