even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
