I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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