she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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