Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
