overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
