i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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