I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
