I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
