just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
