I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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