When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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