Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
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