T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Two words: blizzard sex
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
