I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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