u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
