I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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