we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
He has the fingertips of a God
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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