Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
