I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
