the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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