i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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