So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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