Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
