i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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