Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
