i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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