walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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