Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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