end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
