Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
