Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
