Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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