Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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