He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
