Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
