I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i came on her dog
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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