I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
