I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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