You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
