I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
