I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
