the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
The air taste purple.
Randomize
