why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Too much gin, very little bucket
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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