May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Randomize
