I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
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