D3 body, D1 cock
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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