Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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