Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize