he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
