I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
