i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
