I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
