did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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