Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
