One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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