Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
