I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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