Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
