I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
