Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
