I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
