i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
